I had my first grief counseling session yesterday afternoon. To be fair I was dreading it. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. It was worse than I imagined. I don't know what progress I'm supposed to make talking to someone who doesn't know me, doesn't know my history and hasn't been through this type of loss. I had been doing relatively good, almost normal, prior to the session. Going to therapy was like picking off a scab that's barely even formed. I'm not sure if I'm returning for seconds. On one hand I feel like I'm supposed to talk about how I'm handling it and on the other hand I feel like I've been through abuse, addiction, rape and have never needed a mental health professional before.
By the time I escaped that stiffling little room I was a mess. Without knowing movie times and while sobbing I drove 6 blocks in the rain down to the SLO movie theater. As luck would have it Twilight was showing in 15 minutes so I bought my ticket and escaped to the dark comfort of the screening room. I felt so much better afterwards: alive, together, strong. This was my second viewing and I loved it just as much as the first. Perhaps even more.
I suspect Helo will provide the same respite if I need him. That's also a comfort.
I had my post-natal appt with my OB last week. I was dreading that as well but it turned out to be a very positive experience. We went over the pathology and autopsy results. She assured me the infection was not due to anything I did wrong and there wasn't anything I could have done to prevent it. Physically I checked out all fine and when I'm ready, I can try to get pregnant again. My OB is even going to do the inseminations for me in the office so I don't have to re-enact my contortionist feats. Everyone in the medical profession is amazed that I managed to knock myself up without help in the first place.
The one thing that is generating anger for me is the delay in receiving Cordy's remains. The mortuary has had her for 2 weeks now. There have been paperwork issues that have delayed the process. Somehow I don't care, I want her remains with me. The excuses are getting thin and I anticipate losing my temper soon if this situation is not remedied.
We're not doing Thanksgiving this year. Jenni had 4 wisdom teeth and a cyst removed this morning so she's on liquids and strong drugs all weekend. Mom had throat injections last week for her vocal chord. So turkey day is kind of a bust. I'm sort of relieved-- less stress, less work, less cooking but I'm also sort of confused as to what to do with my time off. Idleness is not good. I bet a third and possibly fourth Twilight trip occurs.
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