I'm not going to pretend to know how you feel about your son's profession. It's complicated and your feelings likely run the gambit from acceptance to outright disbelief. Thankfully, a mother's love is unconditional. 

     If it helps at all, you'd like me. Most Moms do. I'm bubbly, honest, down to earth, open-minded, try to stay in the positive, compassionate, inspire loyalty and truth in others. I have strong empathetic abilities which is part of what makes me a good leader. My family is close (although uniquely nerdy) but still very warm and inviting. We've had "stray dogs" (i.e., "lost" folks who we "adopt" figuratively and at times, literally housed) ever since I can remember. 

     For a little while, the briefest of periods, I was a Mom. 

     The first Mother's Day after I lost my daughter was difficult. Of all the emotions I felt, the flight instinct won out. I sought psychological shelter in the comfort of a movie theater with my Dad for what I figured was a testosterone-filled, actiony roller coaster of an adventure flick: J.J. Abrams reboot of Star Trek. It was great escapism... except for the first 5 agonizing minutes as it chronicled Kirk's birth. 

     The second Mother's Day afterwards I was in some sort of guilt/deflection stage. I overcompensated, spent weeks and far, far too much money putting together huge gift baskets for my Mother and Godmother. They were thrilled and the looks on their faces helped me get through the day.

     The third Mother's Day afterwards I planted flowers and talked to butterflies. 

     Which brings me to the fourth: I don't feel any angst about how I'm spending this Sunday. I'll do something nice for my mom, sure, but I don't need a distraction or an escape. I'm at peace and "Mom" is no longer part of my core identity. It's been set on a safe shelf, like an old favorite figurine, admired and beautiful but without a true purpose in my practical life today. 

     As Mother's day approaches though, it did make me think about you Gigolo Moms. Like I said, I don't know how you feel about your sons' activities. I hope you don't dwell in the negative, I hope you don't blame yourselves for the choices your sons have made. If you'll permit, allow me to reassure you that you did something right. My guess is your sons' female intuition skills were influenced by you and you should be proud that they are using those talents to help women who need it. The time they're spending with me is insightful. Nobody is getting hurt or being taken advantage of. Think of it more as non-traditional therapy because it is more similar to that than some one night tawdry interlude. They've helped me work through so much. They've given me the strength to deal with difficult situations. I know there are other clients, women who have reached out to me, who are gaining courage, healing, and comfort from your sons as well. So I'm not an isolated beacon of positivism. Granted 100% of your sons' bookings may not be cast in this light but the ones that can should make you feel good about what they're doing. 

     My own mother was dubious of my Gigolo dating plan at first. She was cautiously supportive but with real concerns. Her questions were very Mom-like: "will he be good to you? will you protect yourself? what if something goes bad? what if you get too attached? what if work finds out?" and I did my best to allay her fears. As my dating progressed though, I noticed her concern fading. As she saw the changes in me, her own fears were laid to rest. Today I could classify her as enthusiastically supportive (although she does get a tad nervous any time I tell her I'm meeting a new guy, she prefers the safety and familiarity of the known). She's my mom, can't blame her for worrying about me, it's part of the job description.   

Heather

     

When I showed up this week sporting my new outfits, you can imagine the response. I received many compliments of how good I looked, how amazing this transformation is, how I seem like a renewed soul. It was validating and a wonderfully unexpected ego-boost.

When I took a couple of the girls to lunch Friday in a more intimate setting, the harder questions were asked, "Heather, it's not just the weight loss and the California tan, there's something different about you. You're glowing. You're emitting positive energy. You seem deeply, genuinely happy. Is there a man in your life? Are you in love?"

Knowing how bad a liar I am, my best course of action when something so direct comes up is to deal in half truths. 

I answered, "Yes, well kinda. Not just one man, four actually." As I did the mental math in my head quickly it went something like Vin + Nick + Jake + Shawn = 4. (I may have only had the 1 date with Shawn so far but I definitely intend to see more of him.)

I explained it wasn't serious, I didn't see them often but that it was a lot of fun and that they were all great guys. I figured framing it in such a way is good offense to avoid the heavier relationship/marriage questions that women invariably want to ask. They were both in awe of the 4 number but agreed that obviously it's working for me (which reminded me of my doctor's assessment earlier in the year). 

On the planes back to the US sleep eluded me, leaving me to my thoughts. I dug deep and started asking myself hard questions. Have I foolishly fallen in love with any of the Gigolos?

My relationships with these guys are all individual, distinct, and complimentary. Collectively I do love them. A lot. But I'm not in love with any of them specifically. 

The person I've fallen madly, completely in love with is myself.

As soon as the thought manifested I knew with absolute certainty that it is My Truth. And just like that, all the other puzzle pieces made sense: why I've been getting hit on more or why people (both personally and professionally) have been reacting to me differently. It's not pheromones. It's not my Lifestyles bag sending out "DTF" vibes. It's me. This sudden self-assuredness, this love of my body and what it is capable of, this steadfast resistance to sucumbing to any sort of fear-based emotion, all of that is what I'm unconsciously projecting and what people are perceiving. 

Nick and I talked about it some last night and the fact is fundamentally I am a changed person. I'm not the same woman I was a year ago when I was last in Argentina. I'm not the same woman I was in August when I booked my first date. Hell, I'm not even the same woman I was 6 months ago when I started this blog. It's not just the weight loss either although it's certainly played a significant role. It's rediscovering my passion. It's rediscovering my body. It's leading my life by my own set of rules with integrity and not giving a shit if some people would vilify me for it.

So yes, I have fallen in love.. with myself. And yes, Guys, I do love you all. You're helping me get back on my right path to joy and self-fulfillment. 

Sometimes it is possible to over plan. Initially when I booked my Vegas travel for this weekend, it was to be a Girls Gone Wild weekend (sing it with me: "like a girl gone wild, like a girl gone wild." Madonna is my hero.)  While I was looking forward to the girl-time, I was not all that interested in tagging along to some lesbian mixer on a Saturday night. But no matter... I could spend my days with the girls and an evening with a Gigolo, right? 

Shit happens and due to no fault of their own, none of my girlfriends could make it. I became the lone wolf of this Vegas party. No biggie, I've never minded alone time (introvert!) and in a practical sense, that just made more time for Gigolos! Best intentions and all...

Then my work travel schedule changed, cutting my Vegas time short. I felt bad that I had to cancel on Steven (sorry, sexy!) but I'll make it up to him. On the other hand, even though my work travel messed up my original plans I was able to shuffle so that I'm spending next Saturday in Vegas as well (hello Nick!)

Had an awesome date with Vin last night. We went to Sushi Roku which was AMAZING. The chef sent us out a delicious scallop appetizer (seriously, to-die-for, you must order it if you have the chance, I would have been very happy with it as my meal!) Forgive the comma splices, not feeling very grammar Nazi at the moment. Blame vodka. This is the worst rambling blog ever. 

In keeping with my "try a new fish once a week" priority, Vin fed me some of his sea bass which was also delightful. Yay! A new fish to add to my repertoire. I'd intended to take the gamble and order sea bass at one of my favorite restaurants, La Parolaccia del Mare in the Puerto Madero area of Buenos Aires this coming week but now it's not so much a gamble as a "yes please!" I only hope it's as tasty. 

If you follow my twitter, you know there was again lots of dress drama. The one I ordered from The Limited was a hot, unsalvagable mess (although Mom is convinced she can make something out of it.) Then my second try, a dress I ordered from Old Navy was too casual (in The Sister's words, "It's not Vin-worthy"). Luckily we found this one (shown in pic) at Dress Barn and it fit in a size 14 no less. 

Also in keeping with the "Heather's panties inspire Vin to burst into song" theme, I will now have Sexual Harassment Panda stuck in my head for a few days. I wore my only pair of white panties ("I love Pandas") because the skirt of the dress even lined, was very see through. Uhm oh yeah... why did Vin see my panties? The cab hit a water buffalo. I'm super serial. Fletch rocks. Oh and I totally rocked my Evil Willow fitness goal and enjoyed every messy bit of it. Love crossing things off the list!! All those squats paid off. 

I have no idea where this blog is going. It's gone off the tracks. Choo choooo, Leeroy Jenkins (sorry if you don't get that reference, I was an EQ addict for a number of years). 

I weighed in right before I left for Vegas at 192 which isn't bad progress but not great either. Shawn Sterling (Gigolo #7!) was gracious enough to do my measurements for me (since Mom is in Richmond and I'm well, here). I'll try to update the charts tomorrow in between flights but net/net I'm down another 5 inches! Shawn also gave me some really great personal training advice which I can't wait to put into practice when I get home. He answered a lot of the questions I've been having about my strength training and how to get better results. We had a really good first date. He's one of the sweetest guys I've met thus far. 

Here's what happened:

I finally got to the mental place where I was ready to turn off my old blog detailing my 5 months of pregnancy and the aftermath of the loss. It was just another step in my letting go-- just like the huge bag of baby stuff I gave to one of my friends last month. 

This is good. This is indicative of true healing. That I'm ready to make these changes says a lot about the progress I've made and the acceptance place I inhabit now on that chapter of my life. 

So yesterday I purged the old. Unfortunately despite having the accounts separate, the server purged this site as well. 

Last night was rather sleepless, hoping that I'd not have to recreate everything from scratch. 

Thankfully those guys over at Pair had a backup from Saturday and were able to easily restore all of my current ramblings with the exception of my short "Let's hear it for the girls" blog on Sunday (which will be relatively easy for me to rewrite). 

So rock on Tech Support. You made my day. 

Being the smart gal that I am, I didn't take immediate action. I decided to let the idea percolate. 

During that time the confirmation I need to continue came through the voices of women. Amazing, intelligent, and stronger than they give themselves credit for women. 

In the span of a couple of days:

Two of my girlfriends separately confided that I've inspired them to re-enter the dating world. 

A former colleague opened up about the psychological effects of her long term sexless marriage, 

A not-so-distant relative shared that her boyfriend is a former gigolo (what are the odds?!?)

And lastly the voices of strangers... Women who reached out to thank me for my honesty or to share their own struggles with relationships, body image issues, etc. That these women chose to share their personal stories with me is extremely humbling. 

It was the boost I needed to keep on. So thank all of YOU lovely women. You helped me through my own moment of fear and doubt.  

Weigh-in: Been stuck at 196lbs for several days. Not stressing, just keeping on plan, hitting the gym a lot and focusing on my upcoming dates! 

If you're not constantly reinventing yourself, I don't know how you make it through life. I feel like this transformation is my fourth major one. 

A couple of other blogs are still brewing, not quite ready to hit the "publish" button yet. In the meantime, a PSA... 

Project Unbreakable - please check this site out and donate or participate if you can! I donated. I want to participate but the truth of the matter is I can't remember a single thing either of the assholes said before, during or after the assault. It has all been blocked out thanks to the variety and quantity of substances I had in my system at the time (which is not an endorsement of substance abuse, quite the contrary.) 

I did really well in a 5-6 week period starting late December through early February. I need to reproduce those results. I need to get back to that clarity and acuity.

So what about that period is telling?

First and foremost, reduce the "noise". There have been far too many distractions in the last 30 days. Life happens, I get that. I'm not in control of everything (as much as I like to think I am). But I don't have to let all of it "touch" me. If something is starting to tip into the "too much stress" realm, nip it. Walk away and don't look back. I've been letting way too much external bullshit get into core me. I need to re-establish some boundaries. 

Consider my "Shields Up!" (you must say that aloud in Riker's voice). 

Second, I've been remiss in using my secret weapon. There's really only 1 cowboy who has influenced my behavior in regards to what I put in my mouth (food you perv, not other things!) and that's Nick. Must channel my inner Nick better. He lends a lot of positive physical focus so I need to borrow some of his strength and discipline. I feel an art project coming on... 

Sure enough, up 4lbs this morning. I got all of my cardio in, I did great on breakfast and lunch choices. But dinners were way too big, too late in the day, too many "bites" of communal desserts and far too many alcohol units were consumed. I counted 10 drinks in the last 7 days. That may not seem like much but given that my normal is 2 drinks a month, that's a considerable caloric increase. I deeply wish it was acceptable to smoke a bowl with colleagues at the end of those long workdays rather than drinks. Legalize already. 

I'm putting myself on a strict food lock down/detox for the next 4 weeks. Little things have been slipping in. Like See's dark chocolate bordeaux. I need to step back, take stock and focus. Bread is back out (seriously this is my biggest dragon to slay), changed my fiber cereal to one far less processed, push more protein shakes, continue trying different fish as a lean protein source. 

I want to hit 150lbs by my birthday (Virgo) and I can still make that if I knuckle down. 

My first date with Gigolo #6 (aka Jake in LA) was really good. We had a couple rounds of vodka sodas over lively and engaging conversation. He demonstrated strong skills in making me feel safe and calm. I'd been pretty tightly wound in the days leading up, massive amounts of stress, big life risk decisions being weighed. I had even been pulled over and written up for speeding on my way down to LA hours before. I literally was on the phone with Garren when it happened. I freaked out and dropped my cell and took my 80 in a 65 with a smile. Statistically, I was overdue. But still it rattles you.

Jake was effective at refocusing my attention so that all of that washed away and for a couple of hours he was my sole thought. My brain went quiet of all the chatter. Very few people can affect me that way so when I run across them, I take close stock. 

I enjoyed his company quite a bit. I love that he's a surfer, well-read, well-traveled, interesting. I liked how he touched me in public, in non-sexual ways. That simple thing says a lot about a man. I loved his elephant cuff links. 

I enjoyed Jake's company so much that I booked a 2nd date after my business travel, a mere 5 days later (black/white/teal print dress, 1X INC from Macy's). The second date was even better than the first! He anticipated my needs (it is chilly in LA this weekend!) and was the ultimate gentleman. 

When I began this journey I always thought my minimum was 3. I needed to identify a trio of separate cowboys in LA that I could really connect with, variate between and meet all my dating needs. Vin has clearly been one of those and now Jake will be too. That makes me happy and a little bit relieved.   

I know some of my blogs have been butchered, sanitized of all sexual reference. Some of it I can restore (although I still haven't made the decision to do so), some of it is gone forever. Apologies. Shit happens. Step back, take stock and focus 

When I've tried to fight the negative feelings, it's made it worse. So I've just been doing my best, trying to get by.

I might have to accept that my neck and chest aren't going to get any smaller. If I put my hands around my chest (underneath the boobs), my ribs are >right there< under a layer of skin.

On that note though: my boobs are looking MUCH perkier. With my arms down at my sides, my nipples point forward and are visible in the mirror. Before, they pointed straight down toward the floor and sagged almost to my waist. Thank you pectoral muscles!

Not surprised by the no change in biceps. I HATE, HATE, HATE bicep curls in that damned machine. It presses on my core and makes me want to barf. And I've totally been skipping the tricep machine because I'm too short to safely use it. My plan to address these is to build up the courage and knowledge to go to the free weight section and do biceps and triceps that way.   

Sorry about the last blog, circumstances are such that I can't write anything serious or thoughtful right now. It's a shame because that ethics blog was 50% complete and shaping up nicely; I lost a couple of paragraphs thru a spontaneous PC reboot then butchered what remained in the editing and attempts to finish it. "Identity" is a couple of paragraphs and "Language" is a few bullet points, both unpublished. I'll get back to them when I can.

For now though, frivolity is required.

This morning's tweet:

Naturally when such an event occurs, a woman will shop for a replacement. The Brother offered a suggestion,"Why not get one of those mold kits to make your own dildo from one of the Gigolos?" 

Why not indeed. 

So off a researching I did go (I LOVE THE INTERNET!) It looks relatively easy. I wonder how nice the material feels though. That's a big factor to my enjoyment. Skin-like. I also wonder on the size limitations. 

Porn stars get dildos/vibrators made of their members all the time (didn't @JamesDeen recently do one?) Why not the Gigolos? Marketing opportunity, Boss Man. 

Guess what else I found though? Molds that you make of the penis for food, as in gourmet chocolate. Is that not a #Gigolos episode in the making? Picture it: all 5 of them crowded in a kitchen naked, first sticking their cocks in the compound to make the molds, cracking jokes, being boys, then later melting different kinds of chocolate wearing nothing but little flowered aprons that tie at the waist. Fucking hilarious and strangely a complete turn on. 

Weigh-in today: 205lbs

Yes, only 2lbs off this month so far. I started the month strong but then I blame my brother's 35th birthday weekend for some serious backsliding. After 2 "special" brownies (I only ate 2!), no diet beverages or bottled water at the fully nude strip club (wtf? more on that experience in a future blog), eating out for 5 meals straight, I shot up to 213lbs. Can I get a "holy fucking shit?" It's been a battle getting back down but at least I'm on the loss side now. I planned my next date for mid-March so that buys me some time to drop the remaining 6lb minimum required for reward. 

Dating professionals, as I call them, is an ethical choice for me given the code I live by. Granted my code may not be your code.  Nor is that a bad thing. Dexter has his code and while I couldn't live by it, I at least understand and respect it.

I don't affiliate with any religion, I don't accept any traditional teachings as fundamental to my soul's persistence. I try not to moralize how other people should live. 

If your behavior or desire to act does not comply with your principles then you have a few options:

In my experience too few people pursue that last option. They get stuck in whatever dogma they were raised with and sadly most religious institutions have bastardized the normalcy, indeed the very spirituality of sex. Very few celebrate it outside of clearly defined, narrow [sic claustrophobic] boundaries. 

To me, within my principles and my moral code: monogamy is not the norm, marriage is not the ultimate goal, great sex can exist outside true love. 

I understand if that is foreign or even disturbing to some. I hope you find happiness and peace in whatever covenant you've chosen.

Heinlein summarizes my thoughts on morality best: "Sin lies only in hurting others unnecessarily. All other 'sins' are invented nonsense." 

The time I spend with the Gigolos is in its essence, virtuous whether it is spent having dinner, conversation, or underwater basket weaving. 

Yes, I said virtuous. My money and their time invested together is a good, honest thing. Within it is the sharing of ideas, energy, and the senses. It is educational, empowering, and empathetic. No one is getting hurt. 

If anything, I'm being helped. I had forgotten how to go on a date. I'd forgotten how to flirt and all the different ways guys like being kissed. I still don't have any of that mastered, I'm still learning. I'd give myself a high C overall (I'm better with some guys than others). I still screw it up sometimes too. But who better to figure this stuff out with? They are the ultimate teachers in that regard, no? 

Is there an emotional or intellectual toll on the gentlemen who have chosen this as a profession? I don't know, perhaps. What I do know is I try to make my time with them as positive and pleasurable as possible. I'm interested in their well-being. I want them to be happy, complete, fulfilled. But back to the original question if the work is taking a toll, it isn't my burden to bear. That's part of the arrangement. 

I am the happiest and healthiest (physically and emotionally) I've ever been in my adult life. How is any of that unethical?

I am not ashamed of my behavior, it doesn't present any moral obstacle to me. I'm proud that I have the moxie to consider unconventional methods to getting my needs met. That is why I decided to do the Nightline interview as myself, not cloaked in shadow or disguised. Hiding felt dishonest. 

I know SO many amazing women in varying stages and identities of their lives-- married, single, gay, straight, bi, professionals, students, mothers, artists, you name it, but all of a certain strength and character. In my conservative estimate, 60% of them aren't getting everything they need/want from a relationship. They don't feel beautiful (even though they are), they don't feel valued, or maybe they don't have someone to do the things they want to do. So why not share the positive effects of what I'm experiencing? Maybe others can find solace, self-discovery and/or a renewed lust for life via this method too. 

"And there's nothing dirty going on!" ~Miss Mona