idiosyncratic heretic

Favorite True Blood episode to date

2009-09-07T05:09:48Z

My favorite True Blood episode thus far is is "I Will Rise Up". I've seen it literally 10+ times now. Here are my top 10 reasons why I love it (don't worry, I've phrased them so they're non-spoily).

Sookie's dream (hello!)
Sookie's red gingham dress
Eric & Godric's goodbye
Hoyt's hidey-hole offer
Song over closing credits
Eric's falsehood
Shirtless Sam
MaryAnn's green top
Sookie & Jason's talk
The sandwich Hoyt's mom makes

I hate that we only have 1 more episode for this season. I'm going to be in serious True Blood withdrawal in 2 weeks.

Magazines

2009-08-05T21:32:32Z

I receive an inconvenient number of magazines. The stack sits in the bathroom 2 feet high, waiting to be recycled. I didn't even order all of these titles... several are replacements for original titles that are no longer published (yet I had a paid up subscription). I didn't even get to choose the replacements. I have different views on the value of said magazines so I thought I'd review.

Glamour - one of the aforementioned replacement subscriptions for the defunct Jane magazine. I first read Jane while "enjoying" London-Heathrow for an extended period of time and was smitten. Sure it was a fashion mag but it had an irreverence that appealed to me. Glamour as a replacement is a joke. They rarely get taken out of the plastic anymore. It's all 20 ways to nab a guy, the perfect smokey eye or 5 exercises for a flat stomach and frankly I don't give a shit about any of that garbage writing. While I do love fashion photography and clothes and especially handbags, I heed Baz Luhrman's advice and "don't read beauty magazines, they'll only make you feel ugly". (Wikipedia assures me that I had a choice in my Jane replacement including Vanity Fair but I was given no such choice. VF would have been preferable to the badness that is Glamour.)

US Weekly - replaced my Premiere subscription. I am a movie afficianado. Us Weekly is a horrific gossip rag. What the hell were they thinking by using it as a replacement? Another that goes straight to the recycling pile unread. Jessica Simpson's latest meal does not interest me in the slightest. Thanks for killing the trees you idiot lie mongers. (Wikipedia says on this one that I could have received my money back, funny I didn't get any notice of how to do that.)

Rachel Ray - a replacement for Bon Appetit, which felt like a bait & switch because Bon Appetit is still going strong. As far as replacements go it's less offensive than the Premiere to Us Weekly substitution but it's still kind of like being invited out to dinner at Michael Mina and instead going to Chili's. I like RR as a person and TV host but frankly most of her recipes suck. Well they aren't bad per se, they're just uninspiring and simple. I can cook better dishes on my own without a recipe.

Paula Deen - Having been raised in The South I love, love, love Paula's recipes. But that much butter can kill you, yo.

Rolling Stone - another replacement but I can't remember what it replaced. I am not a music buff. Sure I like music but Micah routinely trips me up with questions like "who sings this song?" (more often than not the answer is Dio.) RS unlike Glamour though, does have high points: the feature writing. I LOVE reading their indepth articles. I wish they made a version of the mag that was nothing but the features and skipped all the rock stars doing bad things gossip. I still reference (in my head if not in casual conversation) their pieces on the War on Drugs and the evil of Goldman Sachs (or Dick Cheney). Ethan Hawke's treatment on Kris Kristoferson finally thawed my "team Uma" alliance. It's no wonder I'm sucked into things like "Generation Kill". Good fucking writing boys (and gals). It must suck to be stuck on the non-feature side of the writing staff. RS, do more features. They remind me of why I wanted to be a journalist 20 years ago.

Entertainment Weekly - I'll admit I only have a subscription for this mag because when the Twilight issue came out last spring, every teeny-bopper in my sleepy little town beat me to the punch. Ended up being a good buy. I usually read or at least skim it. Sometimes I like it more than others, all depending on the subjects. I LOVE Diablo Cody's turns at oped. I LOATHE Stephen King's (Mark Harris usually falls somewhere in the middle for me). I crack up at the Hit List and the Bullseye. This week's VAMPIRES issue was awesome, it would have been perfect if they'd subbed in Alexandar for Stephen on the cover. (Gooo team Eric!)

Cards and Scrapbooking - two separate subscriptions published by the same company. Coming in at $80 a piece for a years subscription (each!) they are great idea books for when you need a creative muse. The photography is excellent, the advertising is minimal (and yet somehow more annoying because it's bunched together rather than strewn throughout). My first year's subscription was excellent quality-- printed on thick cardstock that will easily last years (and are kept, not recycled). I actually sent them the DO NOT RENEW notification and they auto-renewed me anyway. I sent back a written inquiry as to why they auto-renewed me when I'd followed their instructions to opt out but I've not heard anything back. Then I received this month's editions and they're printed on flimsy, considerably thinner, way too glossy paper. I'm not a happy camper. I may have to escalate my protest in the next few days.

Parents - a gift from MelissaFro. I peruse but since a lot of the info isn't yet pertinent to my life, my interest is lukewarm. Some months I'll be honest, I can't bring myself to flip through them. But since they are chock full of good info that I'll need at some point in the future, I keep them.

My postal delivery person must hate trying to cram all those mags into my tiny mailbox every month.

Star Trek

2009-06-26T21:40:38Z

While it was chock full of action/adventure goodness which united our troupe of would be explorers, the latest Star Trek movie did contain a strong underlying theme that thus far seems to be downplayed in the many reviews I've read (all of which seem to lament the social commentary usually associated with the franchise). I write of the dichotomy between rational thinking and gut instinct embodied in Kirk vs. Spock.

Just in case you live under a rock (as trolls do), Spock as a half-Vulcan adheres to logic and rational, linear thinking. Kirk as the hot-head with something to prove relies on his instincts.

Too often we see imbalances in the world: cold-hearted logic or emotionally driven irrationality. Indeed towards the beginning of the film we see fine examples of both. Neither extreme is very helpful and can be exploited as Kirk demonstrates by heeding old-Spocks advice to push young-Spock's buttons into relinquishing command.

It is the duty of the enlightened individual (and old-Spock!) to stike a balance just as Kirk and young-Spock inspire those aspects in one another. We all possess both to varying degrees. I believe Spock taps into his instinct when he chooses Starfleet over the Vulcan ministry. Kirk uses (sound?) logic in his defense of beating the Kobayashi.

We must constantly and quickly question ourselves to ensure we're listening to both rationale and instinct.

Sometimes it is easy to dismiss instinct as irrational emotion. On November 5th I mistook my gut instinct as a general fear of needles. I rationalized that I was being silly and childish in resisting a recommended flu shot that logically would protect not only me but my baby. I set aside my instinct and allowed the nurse to inject me. I felt fine, strong even, the day before and yet the day after I was knocking on death's door.

In retrospect, as it is only as time passes that we can objectively assess such dire situations, I ignored my gut instinct because there was little logic in resisting the shot. While there is no conclusive proof that the vaccination caused my physical plight, there are just too few variances from my norm to point to another culprit. My point is not to lay blame anyway, I blamed myself for 5 months.

My point is do not easily dismiss your instincts. Hone them. They're part of our Darwinian survival kit for a reason. Sometimes there is no rational reason for the "right" decision. Conversely, clearly there is no instinct involved in 2+2=4. But as adults so few of our daily decisions are as clear cut as that. Strike the balance. Strive to be old-Spock. I know the standard is high but it's an investment with uncalculated returns. Spend the minute or two it takes to dissect whether the logic you're contemplating is being shaped by valid emotions, tainted emotions or pure instinct. If it's instinct, like Kirk I'd rather go with it and be wrong than ignore it and be forced to live with the shoulda-coulda-wouldas.

And I guess if you lack either one of those ways of thinking within yourself, find a best friend or partner who compliments you with the opposing view. Who knows, he may end up saving both your current and future self from an insane Romulan.

2008 Top 10 Film Choices

2009-06-05T21:37:18Z

Here are my 2008 top 10:

Sex and the City
Mamma Mia!
Definitely, Maybe
The Dark Knight
Twilight
Iron Man
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
In Bruges
Zack & Miri Make a Porno
The Reader (added to list in August, formerly Vicky Cristina Barcelona was a placeholder)

San Francisco trip

2009-03-30T21:21:12Z

Wednesday March 25:
Drove up to Fremont in Mom's car. I love my mom but she's a consta-talker so I now must express thanks to everyone who worked on the Mamma Mia! soundtrack. It was one of the few CDs we could both listen to and it drowned out Mom's chatter nicely.

Arrived in Fremont around 1. Parked the car at Rhonda's (it's a complicated relation, suffice it to say she's family). Visited for about an hour over freshly baked chocolate chip cookies before picking up Laurise from school. Had spaghetti for lunch. Picked up Andrissa from school who was bummed because the only other girl on her wrestling team quit that day which meant to continue wrestling, she'd have to practice on boys which is not something she nor her father were keen on. Around 5ish Rhonda dropped us off at the BART station and we rode it into San Francisco.

Lugged our bags uphill from the Powell station to Union Square. Checked into the Westin St. Francis. Beautiful hotel. Mom loved the architecture and history. Great views. Unpacked and hit Cheesecake Factory on the root of Macy's. We sat outside which was fine while the sun was up but got a bit chilly after dusk with our frozen drinks.

Thursday March 26:
Caught a cab over to Golden Gate Park. Walked around. Hit the de young museum. Mom drooled over the Yves Saint Laurent collection (I'll admit it was amazing). Then we wandered through the Warhol exhibit which was a full sensory experience-- art, music, light installations, film, projections, etc. Pretty cool stuff and appropriate for the SF vibe. Enjoyed the rest of the museum. The coolest thing that we saw was the AL Farrow Cathedral piece-- made from 2,000 gun parts. It was incredible.

Walked next door to the Japanese Tea Garden. Snapped a ton of pictures-- all of the flowers were in full bloom, the weather was beautiful. Mom got a bit tired of posing and cranky when I made her climb the steep bridge but she got over it. Surprisingly I had zero allergy problems the entire time. Pollen must not be a trigger.

Went to Sears Fine Foods for dinner where we had the best gourmet burger ever. Kobe beef, aged white American cheese, on a bed of field greens. Delish! It was a slow night so the executive chef came out and chatted with us.

Tried to get Wicked tickets for that night but it didn't happen. On our way back to the hotel from dinner, we passed a Borders and I just happened to notice the sign in the window saying Amber Benson was doing a reading/signing at 7pm. It was 6:55pm. So of course I drug Mom in there. Our to-go desserts melted a little bit (hers: coconut flan, mine: hazelnut mousse) but oh well.

Back at the hotel we called it an early night since we'd gotten up so early and done so much walking. Mom got to watch her Thursday night shows (Grey's, Private Practice, etc.) Strangely the hotel's direct TV did not carry a CW affiliate so I missed Smallville. No big. On the plus side whoever had stayed in the room before me had DVR'ed the BSG finale so I watched that for a second time while enjoying a night cap and my soupy mousse.

Friday March 27:
Got up early again. Hit all of the Union Square shopping opportunities (Neiman Marcus, Saks, Macy's, etc). I didn't buy too much-- only a hoodie, a henley and a mark ecko bag. I tried on a wonderful Michael Kors dress that fit like a glove and was flattering to boot but was on sale for a meager $398. Yah, I don't wear dresses enough to warrant that.

Met Rachel for lunch. Rachel as in almost-sister-in-law, former roomie from SC, concert partner Rachel. We hadn't seen each other since after she graduated in 1994. It was awesome! We chatted and chatted and chatted. Mom hit the fabric stores while we sat in Union Square catching up. Did I mention we talked? Hehe. There's just so much that goes on over 15 yrs and I was fairly engrained in her family for so long that there was a lot to talk about. We barely scraped the surface! But it was kinda cool how alike we are on things over the years-- like our love of Shiraz and fascination with 12/21/2012.

Rachel headed back to UC Davis and Mom and I went to get changed for our cabaret show. Regina was supposed to have flown in the night before but a snowstorm in Denver caused all of the flights to get cancelled. So she was going to have to meet us at Club Fugazi.

The show, Beach Blanket Babylon was HIGH-larious! Oh my gosh, if you're in SF, I highly recommend making the time to catch it. It's a cabaret of popular culture and we all enjoyed it immensely. Afterwards, we went to an Italian restaurant (can't remember the name) for dinner. Regina and I had gnocchi which were delish. I forgot what Mom ordered. Wish I had been taking foodie pics all this time, all of the food we had was amazing. After dinner we walked around SF: saw the church where Marilyn Monroe got married, the oldest saloon in town. Caught a cab back to the hotel and hit the Clock Bar for late night drinks. Two Mary Pickfords and Mom and I were tipsy. The vibe was pretty cool in there though it surely was breaking some fire code for the amount of people crammed into such a small space.

Saturday Marcy 28:
Packed our bags and prepared for check-out. Met Regina at Sears Fine Foods (again) for breakfast this time. Had great conversation over sweedish pancakes and french toast. Unfortunately Mom had to work the next day and we still had to trek out to Fremont, spend some time with the Randall's and hit the road so our day was cut a bit short.

I learned that I LOVE San Francisco. Having now visted both it and LA as an adult, I can say unequivocably that I'm a SF girl. The surf may be better down south, the temperatures warmer but I felt completely at home in the hustle and bustle and culture of the city.

Here are the pics from the trip:
http://picasaweb.google.com/lystrahawk77069/SanFranciscoMarch2009

Christmas card, Edward, and V-day

2009-02-08T02:15:15Z

I tried repeatedly to create our 2008 Christmas cards by hand (as in years past). I had a single, elegant design in mind with 3 color treatments & all of the supplies purchased in mid-October but the creative muse just wasn't with me. Forcing it was impossible. I finally admitted defeat and ordered our 80 holiday cards from Snapfish (an HP company!) about 10 days before Christmas, utilizing the most popular pics from our Disney vacation.

Several years ago I resolved to stop buying action figures. I'm a geeky girl. It goes without saying that I love my action figures. My curio cabinet houses the likes of Gkar, Han Solo, Worf, Data and of course the entire cast of Buffy. Until today I had stuck with that resolution (with one caveat: I did buy a set of Dr. Who action figures for Jenni's birthday last year but I rationalized that because it wasn't a purchase for myself.) Mom and I wandered into Borders today and sitting on the front bargain table, all alone was this Edward action figure and I immediately scooped him up. The packaging on this one is beautiful, perhaps more stunning than the action figure himself. The peacoat is dead on perfect, his eyes are the ideal color of amber, the details of the highlights and positioning of his hair are amazing. The face is ok but honestly facial structure is where all action figures fail in their realism.

Here's the back. Seriously this may be the first action figure I've ever bought that will stay in the original packaging. It's just too nice to destroy plus Edward doesn't come with any cool accessories-- no Bat'leth, tricorder, blaster or stake to put in his hands and pose like my other action figures. Really what accessories would you package with Edward? A silver Volvo? A piano? The apple would be cheesy.

Here's a close up of his face. Sorry it's a little grainy. Lighting was not my friend this rainy afternoon. I think the eyebrows are overdone but look at the eyes and hair detail. Oh and the lips... perfect lips. You can click on any of these images for a larger view.

I picked these up at the Dollar Store. I'm thinking if the creative muse strikes me tomorrow, I'll use them to make my own Superman themed valentine's day cards. It was a good thought, if it comes to fruition I'll snap some pics. If not, oh well I'm only out a buck.

The latest DVDs I've seen...

2009-01-06T01:13:05Z

It'll be several weeks before I can truly compile my 2008 movie picks because I missed far too many. That constantly having to pee symptom marginalized my summer trips to the theater. In the meantime here are some things I watched recently...

Masterpiece Theater: Casa Nova (2005)
I want to be clear on which version this is. It does not star Heath Ledger. It stars David Tennant (ya know, The Doctor). It was, well, a masterpiece. It was very well done, engaging, thoughtful yet flirty. The costumes and stages were like visual chocolate. I enjoyed it quite a bit. It's easy to see why Russell T. Davies cast David as the 10th Doctor, he's just so darn charasmatic.

The House Bunny
Ok perhaps my expectations were too high because I think Anna Faris is a comedic genius. It wasn't a bad flick per se, it just didn't commit to the funny. It's like Revenge of the Nerds or Sorority Boys, just not as good or well done. It had potential, that's the sad thing.

Burn After Reading
You know I truly love the Coen brothers. But somewhere they missed the boat with this picture. It just wasn't that funny. It had some entertaining moments, just not enough of them. But kudos to George, Frances and Brad for their over the top caricature performances. I mean seriously, they're the only reason I kept watching.

Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day
I watched this right after Burn (what, I can't have a Frances McDormand night?) Charming film, excellent energy. I enjoyed it quite a bit. Amy Adams is such a joy on screen; the only other actress that captivates and energizes me more is Kristin Chenoweth and unsurprisingly they both play off Lee Pace wonderfully. Mmmm Lee Pace. A Texan I can swoon over.

Sex and Death 101
I'll admit I stuck this in my queue solely for the eye candy that is Simon Baker. Turned out to be a fun movie, not great but what you'd expect from a B flick. The premise is sorta hilarious and unique. Mindy Cohn (that's Natalie from The Facts of Life to you over the age of 32) was sooo unexpected and amusing as the assistant; she steals some of Simon's scenes. Sadly Winona Ryder's performance was wooden but luckily she didn't have too large of a part.

Next up in my queue is Season 2 of The Tudors. I can't flipping wait.

Oh and I'm officially in countdown sequence for Battlestar. 11 days, I can hold out for 11 more days, surely?

Holiday review

2008-12-28T07:55:47Z

So I've had a full week off now. I had a long list of to-dos, checked it twice, and have done exactly nothing off of it. My house is a wreck, my closet hasn't been organized, I've not worked on the Disney scrapbook. Nada. I've been a lazy frigging bum. I've stayed up late every night (2-3am) either gaming or reading and slept in every morning (9-10am). And it's been glorious! This is definitely the schedule I'd keep if I didn't have an 8-5 job.

Christmas Eve we opened presents at my parents' house and had dinner. Mom got me a new windshield for the Blazer (desperately needed and since it was the fourth one in the 10 yrs I've had the car; I hadn't felt all that urgent about forking out another $200 myself). Dad got me Iron Man on DVD and an Oral B electric toothbrush that I'd picked out. Micah got me a beautiful silver celtic knot bracelet. Jenni got me Dr. Horrible on DVD and a manicure set. My nails are now a wonderful festive candy cane red. It was a semi-light Christmas... we'd intentionally made Disney our big expenditure of the year although we did surprise Jenni with a new laptop (thank you HP employee purchase program) and Mom with a 14k white gold charm bracelet. I baked a honey glazed ham, red velvet cake and 2 pecan pies. Mom made deviled eggs and broccoli-rice-cheese casserole. It was a good evening.

Christmas Day we had lunch at Micah/Nana's. Micah made a delicious prime rib. Seriously it was to die for. It was his first time but he'd googled Texas Roadhouse's recipe and it came out perfect. Paired with some mashed potatoes and the leftovers from the night before, it was another delightful meal. Afterwards we played a couple of games of Alhambra and Collosseum. I'm happy to report I smoked them in both of the Collosseum runs. Yay me for winning for a change (usually I place right smack in the middle).

Jenni and I did manage to go see Twilight again last Sunday. It was her second viewing and my fifth. What can I say? I enjoy it, I want to spend my consumer dollars on it. I'm personally trying to send a message to the Hollywood execs. This was definitely my "year of the woman" between it, Mamma Mia! and Sex and the City. Helllllo!?! Yes I like Batman movies but I like REAL chick flicks too (not that crappy sentimental predictable rom-com you guys like to pass off as chick flicks).

I don't know how much to share about this next tidbit but I'm being pursued romantically by a 19 year old. I know what you're thinking because I'm thinking the same thing. I've gently broken the news to him that I'm not interested in a relationship. Didn't sway him from his course. I've crassly tried to deter him but he's persistent. He's fun to flirt with but beyond that...

No New Years Eve plans yet. May stay in and game and drink. Lowkey sounds kinda nice.

Cordy's Box and Hail in Morro Bay

2008-12-18T02:18:56Z

This is the box Dad made for Cordy's remains. I would be remiss if I didn't first tell the story of the wood itself. In 1977 a real estate developer cut down the walnut grove that stood behind our neighborhood in Fremont, CA. My Dad, being one who likes to "cut wood" on any given Sunday, stealthily went out one night with his chainsaw (ok perhaps not so stealthily once it fired up) and slabbed some of the trunks & stumps that hadn't been carted off that day and stored them in our garage. Walnut is a beautiful wood but it takes at least 10 years to dry naturally; chemical drying is faster but compromises much of the color. My father is a very patient man. So in the past 31 years he moved these walnut logs, approximately 450lbs in total, from Fremont to Charleston, SC then to Houston, TX and back to California. (Thanks Lockheed, who paid for all of those moves except for the last trek back to the west coast).

Anyway, feeling 31 years was ample time for proper drying and having a new project he wanted to start (baby crib) Dad had his walnut slabs professionally cut mid-September. He called me from my parking garage exclaiming, "31 years man!" I went down and saw his van loaded to the brim with stunning lumber-- colors resembling the sunset with brilliant pinks, deep reds, oranges and of course every rich variation of brown imaginable. Really pretty wood. Most people don't know what true woods look like; they're only aware of what the "stains" look like. For example what color comes to mind when I say "cherry"? Probably a deep red/brown color right? Cherry itself is actually a very light colored wood, it just happens to take stain very well which is why all ritsy furniture you see in a department store is cherry.

Lesson learned my friends. Anyway, so Dad ambitiously wanted to make the baby crib out of his beloved walnut. As we hit mid and late October he started to worry about having enough time remaining to start and complete this ambitious project. So it was only fitting that when the worst happened, he used some of it to create her box. Then using the laser engraver that we own, I was able to customize it the way I wanted. It's now sitting in my curio cabinent, a couple of shelves above Boo Bear's remains, surrounded by flowers I dried from the various arrangements I received while in the hospital. It was a huge relief to me to finally have her remains with me in my home. Now Dad is back on his kick of making the crib, since he has plenty of time.

In other recent news, it hailed in Morro Bay yesterday. Super rare occurrence. It was kinda fun (other than the waking me up at 4am part). I actually busted out all of my old CO clothes.

Tease!

2008-12-03T03:29:13Z

Have you see all of this hubbub about John Barrowman exposing himself during a radio interview on BBC1 while a live web cam was streaming? Ugh. I've seen 4 different articles and apologies about the incident now. Tsk, tsk. You know what they should be apologizing for? Not uploading that sucker for all of us John admirers to download! Friends and I have scoured the internet and it is no where. I don't believe said video ever existed. I'm bummed to not get a glimpse of John's fruit and nuts. Yah, I'm a perv.

The mortuary finally called today with Cordy's remains ready for me to pick-up. Good thing too-- another 2 days and I was going to call the funeral bureau in Sacramento. (That sounds worse than it is. I didn't actually seek out this bureau, it was listed on all of the paperwork I had to sign when I made her arrangements).

On that note of paperwork... One of the odd things I'm struggling with is this "mother" word. It's not an aspect that had a chance to get integrated into my identity. Yet I have all of this paperwork that lists me as a mom.

I have Mom and Jenni done insofar as Christmas shopping goes. I know what I'm getting Dad, just haven't found the right one yet. I don't know what to get Micah. Hopefully the muse strikes me soon.

I miss having True Blood to look forward to on Sunday nights and it's only been a week since the finale. I hope they do all of the books as seasons. Even though they made a few deviations, I still enjoyed it. The fourth, Dead to the World, is probably my favorite installment (although books 6 & 7 are nearly as good, I'm a sucker for Quinn as much as Eric.) Oh well, it did inspire the name of our new group for Rock Band 2-- "Merlotte's" with Micah playing lead guitar as Sookie, Jenni drumming as Tara and me on bass as EricNorthman. My throat has still been too iffy to tackle lead singing.

Speaking of television though... if the networks keep to their planned schedules, Friday nights may become a nirvana of sorts:

8:00 on fox: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

9:00 on fox: Dollhouse

10:00 on sci-fi: Battlestar Galactica

Now if we can just convince Fox not to canel the first two...

Therapy schmerapy... Just give me a lil time with Edward

2008-11-27T02:21:04Z

I had my first grief counseling session yesterday afternoon. To be fair I was dreading it. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. It was worse than I imagined. I don't know what progress I'm supposed to make talking to someone who doesn't know me, doesn't know my history and hasn't been through this type of loss. I had been doing relatively good, almost normal, prior to the session. Going to therapy was like picking off a scab that's barely even formed. I'm not sure if I'm returning for seconds. On one hand I feel like I'm supposed to talk about how I'm handling it and on the other hand I feel like I've been through abuse, addiction, rape and have never needed a mental health professional before.

By the time I escaped that stiffling little room I was a mess. Without knowing movie times and while sobbing I drove 6 blocks in the rain down to the SLO movie theater. As luck would have it Twilight was showing in 15 minutes so I bought my ticket and escaped to the dark comfort of the screening room. I felt so much better afterwards: alive, together, strong. This was my second viewing and I loved it just as much as the first. Perhaps even more.

I suspect Helo will provide the same respite if I need him. That's also a comfort.

I had my post-natal appt with my OB last week. I was dreading that as well but it turned out to be a very positive experience. We went over the pathology and autopsy results. She assured me the infection was not due to anything I did wrong and there wasn't anything I could have done to prevent it. Physically I checked out all fine and when I'm ready, I can try to get pregnant again. My OB is even going to do the inseminations for me in the office so I don't have to re-enact my contortionist feats. Everyone in the medical profession is amazed that I managed to knock myself up without help in the first place.

The one thing that is generating anger for me is the delay in receiving Cordy's remains. The mortuary has had her for 2 weeks now. There have been paperwork issues that have delayed the process. Somehow I don't care, I want her remains with me. The excuses are getting thin and I anticipate losing my temper soon if this situation is not remedied.

We're not doing Thanksgiving this year. Jenni had 4 wisdom teeth and a cyst removed this morning so she's on liquids and strong drugs all weekend. Mom had throat injections last week for her vocal chord. So turkey day is kind of a bust. I'm sort of relieved-- less stress, less work, less cooking but I'm also sort of confused as to what to do with my time off. Idleness is not good. I bet a third and possibly fourth Twilight trip occurs.

Walt Disney World Pictures

2008-11-16T18:54:49Z

Check them out here. 200 of the nearly 600 pics we took between 3 cameras over 7 days.

Finally, an update even if it is... sad

2008-11-14T23:04:18Z

Sorry for the lack of blogs. I'll try to encapsulate a little...

I spent the last week of August and the beginning of September paranoid of miscarrying. I stayed on bedrest, took it extremely easy. Then I had my first ultrasound and somehow hearing the heartbeat and seeing the movement made me feel more secure about things.

I had 1 good week there. Then I caught a vicious respiratory infection right around the time Ike hit Houston. It involved all manner of snot and coughing and sleeplessness. It took more than a month to get over fully but finally by about the second or third week of October I was back to the land of the living and breathing.

On October 23rd I had my second ultrasound and we found out it was a girl. A girl! We were all extremely happy and the nursery planning began.

The last week of October we went on vacation to Disney World in Orlando. It was a very nice week. Sure there were some rides I had to skip while the rest of the family enjoyed them but I didn't mind-- I'd sit on a bench munching on apples talking to baby Cordelia. My feet didn't hold up so well with all the walking but I still managed to enjoy the week off. I bought several things for the baby since I now knew she was a girl but I didn't go as overboard as I feared I would (mostly because my suitcase was already 46lbs going-- not much room to take stuff back!) We had dinner at the Garden Grille in the Land on Monday night and Tuesday night we did the Hoop Dee Doo Review dinner over at Fort Wilderness and our table was literally front-n-center, touching the stage. I'll post pics later.

Unfortunately that's where my happy blogging ends. Now begins the very painful (yet hopefully cathartic) task of sharing some devestating news.

On Thursday November 6th, I wasn't feeling well. At first I wrote it off to gas. But by the afternoon I started having contractions. We went to the ER where I was immediately admitted. They put me on some monitors, we heard Cordy's heartbeat and took vitals and some blood for testing. My white blood cell count was high and I was running a fever. They concluded I had contracted some sort of infection (still not sure what exactly) and sadly during a particularly painful contraction my water broke and the infection was passed onto the baby. I cannot possibly describe the emotions involved when the doctor told us we were losing her. She died in utero.

Adding insult to injury, the OB told me I had to go through the entire delivery process. I was aghast. I wasn't prepared. At 5 months along, I still had plenty of time to read the birthing chapters of all my books and I hadn't yet because I didn't want to scare myself. This was second trimester, this was supposed to be the fun, glowing period!

So Thursday night I opted for the IV drugs-- staydol I think? Did nothing for the pain; just made me high as a kite so after 1 dose I refused any more. I didn't sleep much, contractions were about 8-10 minutes apart.

Friday morning I opted for the epidural and they decided to start me on pitocin to speed labor along. Getting the epidural was bloody frigging painful, I have to say. The anestesiaologist (sp? I just dont care enough to look it up right now) took about 4 tries to get it placed right. And let me tell you when they're trying to hook shit up to your spine and they miss or they hit a place that isn't numbed up it is a blinding, chilling pain worse than the contractions themselves.

However I will say that once the epidural was in and going, I felt much, much better and way less tense. I stopped feeling the contractions which enabled me to rest some. I'm very conflicted on the epidural now... I'm not sure if I'd opt for it again or not.

Around 6:00pm Friday I felt a pressure and then suddenly a head was in my vajayjay. It happened very, very fast from there. Cordelia Phoebe Smith was stillborn at 6:07. She weighed 15.9oz and was 10 inches long. After they cleaned her up I held her. She looked perfect-- just way too early to be leaving the womb. She had my nose, blonde eyebrows (which presumably would have darkened) and full beautiful lips. Mom and Jenni (who had stayed with me in the hospital the entire time) both held her and rocked her too. She was so, so tiny.

Exhausted in every possible way, I slept Friday night. On Saturday despite me not having any deep religious feelings but knowing that the rest of my family does, we had a Baptist chaplain come in and bless baby Cordelia and pray for her little soul. It was nice I suppose. I hope it provided my mom some comfort at least.

I left an adorable pink Minnie Mouse onesie with the mortuary as her final (and only) outfit. She's being cremated and Dad is making me a lovely box to put her remains in.

It's been a week and I'm still a mess. The first few nights home I didn't sleep much. And when I woke, I'd hope for a few minutes that it had all been a horrific nightmare. Then the reality hits and... My eyes burn and ache from all the crying. But I can't turn it off. I just let it all come-- feeling whatever I feel when it wants. I don't know how long this is going to last but I'm trying to get back into routines to alleviate some of the pain.

I have never wanted anything more in my life than that baby. I've not loved anyone as much as I did her in the last several weeks as I felt her moving around inside of me. Solace is ellusive. There's nothing anyone can say or do. Just keep me in your thoughts or prayers (if you're so inclined). I'll blog again when I feel something besides this hurt.

A scare

2008-08-24T05:14:57Z

I'm sorry for yet another pregnancy blog... I truly intended to post a long movie review one but then some drama happened.

Thursday night I started spotting a little. I was concerned but not really worried. During the night I started bleeding a lot-- to the point of needing feminine hygiene products. I noticed a blood clot but it wasn't too big so I just went back to bed and planned to call the OB first thing Friday morning.

When I got up around 6am to pee I needed a new FHP due to all the bleeding and then I passed a HUGE blood clot. It was about 2 inches long and an inch wide. Looked like grape jelly. Sorry for the gross visual but it's a significant symptom.

Now a little spotting is a perfectly normal thing for a pregnant woman. Out and out bleeding of this level is not. I freaked. Probably should have just gone to the ER then but I wanted to talk to my OB. Passed another clot. At 9am when the office finally opened the nurse said my OB was delivering a baby but after consulting with the on-call doc sent me to the ER.

They took blood, did an ultrasound. The baby was definitely in my uterus and was moving around so that was a good sign. I got to see the lil monkey for the first time. They couldn't hear a heartbeat though but she said not to worry cuz their ER stuff isn't as sensitive as the OB's. After waiting several hours they finally got back to me to do a pelvic. I'm not sure why it took 3 frigging women to do 1 pelvic exam but there I was... They were worried my cervix was open which would pretty much mean miscarriage. After much prodding the ER doc determined it was shut... for now at least.

I'm on bed rest for the next few days, no sex for 4 weeks (not a problem, no mate!) The ER doc said I'm not out of the woods yet-- that the clots could be precursory symptoms and my cervix could open up in the next few days and cause a miscarry. So I just have to take it easy and monitor symptoms, see my OB on Monday. Hope the bleeding stops.

It was all very stressful. My blood pressure which is usually low to normal was high. By the time I was discharged Friday afternoon I was exhausted from it all.

I keep saying outloud, "Stay in there lil monkey! It's not time yet!"

Aside from the absolute fear, I'm perturbed... Part of the reason I didn't try adopting first is I wanted to have the pregnancy experience. Thus far my experience has not been glowy and rainbows and unicorns. This was the first week that my nausea had started subsiding. Mom and I had planned to go shopping Sunday, after weeks of already being housebound. I need clothes like mad (especially bras!) and baby stuff and groceries. But no, no shopping in my future. I'll just prop myself on the sofa for another week. I'm going stir crazy! My 36th birthday will be spent "taking it easy" and watching more DVDs. Great.

Crap how long is this gonna last?

2008-08-11T01:07:55Z

True, hardcode nausea has set in. Last Saturday I was practically incapacitated by it-- I didn't move, I didn't leave the house, I just curled up on the sofa in a fetal position with a big bowl on the floor beside me while watching BSG S1 and part of S2. All that Helo-potential-father-protective stuff gets to me but in a good way.

I was livid that my copy of Breaking Dawn didn't arrive Saturday morning but as it turns out, I was too sickly to have given it my attention anyway. It arrived Monday afternoon instead. The first third was difficult for me to get through given my physical state but once I got past the... arrival, all was well. I liked it. I didn't hate it the way some fans seem to. I didn't like it better than Twilight or Eclipse. I'm still undecided on whether it'd rank higher than New Moon. That's all I'm saying though... no spoilers here.

In addition to the perpetual pukeyness, I get WORN OUT. Towards the end of my work day I am so tired that I nap for 2-3 hours. This is significant. I've never ever been a napper in my life. Even as a child, I didn't nap. But now I can't seem to function without some extra sleep. I'm still getting 8-9 hours a night, my body just needs more. Unfortunately between the queasy stomach and the sleeping I've missed working out for about 2 weeks. Not good. Need to come up with a better schedule.

Melissa was in Pismo this week so she and I went to Hearst Castle on Tuesday. It was a good but long day. We had fun. I took some pics but I haven't downloaded them yet. Worried about my tummy, I skipped my normal breakfast of OJ-strawberry-protein smoothie and ate not 1 but 2 McDonald's sausage egg biscuits. Remarkably I felt pretty good most of the day; pukeyness didn't settle in till later that evening. So I've made an adjustment to my eating and am now having 2 eggs w/ colby jack cheese on wheat bread for breakfast every morning. It's filling me up more and delaying the morning sickness. A strange consequence is I can't stand to look/smell/consume protein at dinner with this change. I actually turned my nose up at a filet the other night after 2-3 bites. All I can say is pregnancy is the weirdest fucking thing ever.

I'm hoping I'm a statistical normality and all of this pukey factor peaks and tapers off at week 12. But I know many women who said the nausea lasted for the first 4 months. Ugh. I'd really like to be enjoying my pregnancy more, thanks.