heather: November 2008 Archives

I had my first grief counseling session yesterday afternoon. To be fair I was dreading it. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. It was worse than I imagined. I don't know what progress I'm supposed to make talking to someone who doesn't know me, doesn't know my history and hasn't been through this type of loss. I had been doing relatively good, almost normal, prior to the session. Going to therapy was like picking off a scab that's barely even formed. I'm not sure if I'm returning for seconds. On one hand I feel like I'm supposed to talk about how I'm handling it and on the other hand I feel like I've been through abuse, addiction, rape and have never needed a mental health professional before. 

By the time I escaped that stiffling little room I was a mess. Without knowing movie times and while sobbing I drove 6 blocks in the rain down to the SLO movie theater. As luck would have it Twilight was showing in 15 minutes so I bought my ticket and escaped to the dark comfort of the screening room. I felt so much better afterwards: alive, together, strong. This was my second viewing and I loved it just as much as the first. Perhaps even more.

I suspect Helo will provide the same respite if I need him. That's also a comfort.

I had my post-natal appt with my OB last week. I was dreading that as well but it turned out to be a very positive experience. We went over the pathology and autopsy results. She assured me the infection was not due to anything I did wrong and there wasn't anything I could have done to prevent it. Physically I checked out all fine and when I'm ready, I can try to get pregnant again. My OB is even going to do the inseminations for me in the office so I don't have to re-enact my contortionist feats. Everyone in the medical profession is amazed that I managed to knock myself up without help in the first place.

The one thing that is generating anger for me is the delay in receiving Cordy's remains. The mortuary has had her for 2 weeks now. There have been paperwork issues that have delayed the process. Somehow I don't care, I want her remains with me. The excuses are getting thin and I anticipate losing my temper soon if this situation is not remedied.  

We're not doing Thanksgiving this year. Jenni had 4 wisdom teeth and a cyst removed this morning so she's on liquids and strong drugs all weekend. Mom had throat injections last week for her vocal chord. So turkey day is kind of a bust. I'm sort of relieved-- less stress, less work, less cooking but I'm also sort of confused as to what to do with my time off. Idleness is not good. I bet a third and possibly fourth Twilight trip occurs.

Check them out here. 200 of the nearly 600 pics we took between 3 cameras over 7 days.  

Sorry for the lack of blogs. I'll try to encapsulate a little...

I spent the last week of August and the beginning of September paranoid of miscarrying. I stayed on bedrest, took it extremely easy. Then I had my first ultrasound and somehow hearing the heartbeat and seeing the movement made me feel more secure about things.

I had 1 good week there. Then I caught a vicious respiratory infection right around the time Ike hit Houston. It involved all manner of snot and coughing and sleeplessness. It took more than a month to get over fully but finally by about the second or third week of October I was back to the land of the living and breathing.

On October 23rd I had my second ultrasound and we found out it was a girl. A girl! We were all extremely happy and the nursery planning began.

The last week of October we went on vacation to Disney World in Orlando. It was a very nice week. Sure there were some rides I had to skip while the rest of the family enjoyed them but I didn't mind-- I'd sit on a bench munching on apples talking to baby Cordelia. My feet didn't hold up so well with all the walking but I still managed to enjoy the week off. I bought several things for the baby since I now knew she was a girl but I didn't go as overboard as I feared I would (mostly because my suitcase was already 46lbs going-- not much room to take stuff back!) We had dinner at the Garden Grille in the Land on Monday night and Tuesday night we did the Hoop Dee Doo Review dinner over at Fort Wilderness and our table was literally front-n-center, touching the stage. I'll post pics later.

Unfortunately that's where my happy blogging ends. Now begins the very painful (yet hopefully cathartic) task of sharing some devestating news.

On Thursday November 6th, I wasn't feeling well. At first I wrote it off to gas. But by the afternoon I started having contractions. We went to the ER where I was immediately admitted. They put me on some monitors, we heard Cordy's heartbeat and took vitals and some blood for testing. My white blood cell count was high and I was running a fever. They concluded I had contracted some sort of infection (still not sure what exactly) and sadly during a particularly painful contraction my water broke and the infection was passed onto the baby. I cannot possibly describe the emotions involved when the doctor told us we were losing her. She died in utero.

Adding insult to injury, the OB told me I had to go through the entire delivery process. I was aghast. I wasn't prepared. At 5 months along, I still had plenty of time to read the birthing chapters of all my books and I hadn't yet because I didn't want to scare myself. This was second trimester, this was supposed to be the fun, glowing period!

So Thursday night I opted for the IV drugs-- staydol I think? Did nothing for the pain; just made me high as a kite so after 1 dose I refused any more. I didn't sleep much, contractions were about 8-10 minutes apart.

Friday morning I opted for the epidural and they decided to start me on pitocin to speed labor along. Getting the epidural was bloody frigging painful, I have to say. The anestesiaologist (sp? I just dont care enough to look it up right now) took about 4 tries to get it placed right. And let me tell you when they're trying to hook shit up to your spine and they miss or they hit a place that isn't numbed up it is a blinding, chilling pain worse than the contractions themselves.

However I will say that once the epidural was in and going, I felt much, much better and way less tense. I stopped feeling the contractions which enabled me to rest some. I'm very conflicted on the epidural now... I'm not sure if I'd opt for it again or not.

Around 6:00pm Friday I felt a pressure and then suddenly a head was in my vajayjay. It happened very, very fast from there. Cordelia Phoebe Smith was stillborn at 6:07. She weighed 15.9oz and was 10 inches long. After they cleaned her up I held her. She looked perfect-- just way too early to be leaving the womb. She had my nose, blonde eyebrows (which presumably would have darkened) and full beautiful lips. Mom and Jenni (who had stayed with me in the hospital the entire time) both held her and rocked her too. She was so, so tiny.

Exhausted in every possible way, I slept Friday night. On Saturday despite me not having any deep religious feelings but knowing that the rest of my family does, we had a Baptist chaplain come in and bless baby Cordelia and pray for her little soul. It was nice I suppose. I hope it provided my mom some comfort at least. 

I left an adorable pink Minnie Mouse onesie with the mortuary as her final (and only) outfit. She's being cremated and Dad is making me a lovely box to put her remains in.

It's been a week and I'm still a mess. The first few nights home I didn't sleep much. And when I woke, I'd hope for a few minutes that it had all been a horrific nightmare. Then the reality hits and... My eyes burn and ache from all the crying. But I can't turn it off. I just let it all come-- feeling whatever I feel when it wants. I don't know how long this is going to last but I'm trying to get back into routines to alleviate some of the pain.

I have never wanted anything more in my life than that baby. I've not loved anyone as much as I did her in the last several weeks as I felt her moving around inside of me. Solace is ellusive. There's nothing anyone can say or do. Just keep me in your thoughts or prayers (if you're so inclined). I'll blog again when I feel something besides this hurt.